The 110 Worst Porn Movie Titles Ever

First off, let's set out the criteria : a BAD porn movie title does the opposite of its intention, which is to arouse your interests and convince you to buy the tape. Nope, these titles work against them -- they disgust, confuse or just plain turn you off. I've divided them up into 5 categories : 1) Gross, 2) Groan, 3) Stupid, 4) What The Hell, and 5) The Porn Store Clerk Laughed At Me. I'll elaborate later.
There are a number of exclusions. Foreign titles are out because a bad translation is out of the original namer's control. Ethnic videos were also excluded because they're all pretty offensive, so "Chicken Chow Mine" and "Sushi Girls #24 - Stir Fry Snatch" are not on the list, as well as pretty much all the black videos. (I have never seen so many uses of the words "ho" and "booty" in my life.) Gay is out because the titles always make me giggle or extremely uncomfortable. Also, any movie titles describing a disgusting sex act were disqualified because that's a personal bias. So you don't get "Bust A Nut In Grandma's Butt" because some people like old women. Really old women. Yikes. "Edward Penishands" was immediately out because that one pops up on EVERYBODY ELSE'S Best Porn Movie Title list because it is actually an awesome title. I saw that movie. That had to be the worst porn shoot ever for that poor guy.

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1) GROSS - these are disgusting titles that should turn you off completely :

1. THE ANAL GIRLS OF TOBACCO ROAD 2 : VAGINA SLIMES - The title that started me on this list. "Virginia Slims" becomes "Vagina Slimes" ? That's disgusting ! You get the idea.
2. LET'S PLAY STAIN THE COUCH - And then invite all our friends over and watch them try to guess what that smell is !
3. CRACK WHORES OF AMERICA - Because nothing turns a guy on more than needle tracks and missing teeth ...
4. PRIME CUTS - YO QUIERO TACO SMELL - I know when I get down there, I want to smell refried beans !
5. AMATEURS ONLY #129 - I'M A BROWN SHIT-HOLED WHORE - Some people like poo, so maybe I shouldn't have included this one. What can I say, it just has a certain poetry to it.
6. SEX STARVED FUCK SLUTS #22 - STINKY WHITE WOMEN - Why would you want to have sex with somebody who is stinky ? You are a puzzle, sir.

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2) GROAN - bad puns, horrible plays on words, stupid Hollywood movie name adaptations :
7. DUDE, WHERE'S MY DILDO ? - Bad movie, probably a bad porno based on a bad movie.
8. ULTRA KINKY #79 - BOWLIN' IN HER COLON - Bowling balls and colons, such a pretty image.
9. ASS-HOLE O MIO - You've got to be kidding.
10. HOMEGROWN VIDEO #489 : FUCK THE CANUCK - Trouble rhyming "bitch" today ?
11. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA - Kurt Russell should be so lucky ...
12. GOOD ASSTERNOON - I want to see a porno with really amazing dialogue. This won't be it.
13. BACKDOOR ADVENTURES OF BUTTHEAD AND BEAVER - Too obvious.
14. HINDFELD - A porno about nothing.
15. TEA BAGGER VANCE - Did anybody see the original movie ? Yeah, whatever.
16. MUSIC TO FUCK TO - ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES A LABIA - I would watch this if they actually got Lionel Richie to sing the new lyrics with a close-up shot of him crying.
17. GERANALMO - Sure, why not ?
18. BRASSIERE TO ETERNITY - You're reaching ...
19. TIG OL' BITTIES - Spoonerisms can be fun. Sometimes not.
20. MOULIN SPLOOGE - You saw this one coming ...
21. TITS OF FURY - ... but not this one ...
22. GERMAN WHORE FARE - Well, I groaned ...
23. SHE'S NOT A LESBIAN ... SHE'S A VAGITARIAN - Sigh ...
24. TOOKIE RAIDER - Tookie ? Tookie ??? You're just making up words now.
25. MUFFUGNUGEN - That's just lame, man.
26. PRIME CUTS - ONE FELL INTO THE POO-POO'S NEST - You went to college for this ?
27. FILTHY FUCKERS #184 - POKE 'ER MON - Who exactly is your target audience ?
28. RIMMERAMA - It does kind of roll off the tongue, though.
29. HOOTERS AND THE BLOWJOBS - Sometimes the music in porn movies is kind of interesting. Not this time.
30. HUNG WANKENSTEIN - Two, count 'em, TWO bad puns in one title ! I want this job !

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3) STUPID - poorly chosen titles for various reasons :
31. SEX - This is so wonderfully descriptive, there are TWO movies with this title.
32. THE SPLENDOR OF HELL - Nothing gets me going more than the thought of the sin I am committing at the time and the eventual suffering I am bringing upon myself.
33. COCKLESS 19 - All-girl videos are okay if not kinda dull, but I get a sort of castration vibe from this one ...
34. WET AND FROSTY - Are you talking about sex or beer ?
35. WHY THINGS BURN - It's called a venereal disease ...
36. AMATEURS ONLY #131 - HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKE - Guys love it when girls ask that question.
37. BABY GIRL - A big disappointment for pedophiles.
38. ANAL CHIROPRACTOR - What, in case your ass is out of alignment ? Yeesh.
39. HUSH ! MY MOTHER MIGHT HEAR US ! - More of a turn-off for women viewers ...
40. S.I.D.S. - SEXUALLY INTRUSIVE DYSFUNCTIONAL SOCIETY - Not Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, which always gets me hot.
41. PRICE IS RIGHT - "Hey, let's name our new porn movie after a game show whose host wants to neuter your family dog !"
42. SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE DWARFS - You're only calling attention to the fact that you're ripping us off to the tune of four dwarves.
43. ABS OF CUM - That doesn't make any sense.
44. DEAD MEN DON'T WEAR RUBBERS - You could get AIDS and DIE !!!
45. SEX IN THE COMICS - This one actually looks pretty interesting. It's porn stars made up to look like cartoon characters having sex. Normal people probably don't want to see this, though ...
46. TOPLESS BRAIN SURGEONS - No, I want you concentrating on my BRAIN during the operation ...
47. YOUR QUIM IS MY GYM - Stupid, nonsensical, you are an object to be scorned.
48. THEORY OF RELATIVITY - That Einstein, what a hottie.
49. FELANALINGUS - "I made up a new word !" "Wow ! Let's hope it catches on !"
50. K-FCK ... THE ONLY THING MISSING IS YOU ! - A five year old retard might think that was funny or clever, but only out of pity.
51. BRIANNA LEE'S RED HOT WEINIE ROAST - Nobody is roasting my weinie. Go away.
52. UNBALANCED CHEMICALS - Psychotics can be sexy too !
53. STRAIGHT A STUDENTS - Why would I want to watch a porn movie where nobody gets to have sex ?
54. LET'S PLAY ANAL TWISTER - That sounds somewhat painful. I'm glad you're not my friend.
55. TUG BOAT - "Hello ? We make porno movies here. P-O-R-N-O. Do you understand ?"
56. HEROIN - In answer to the question, what is wrong with the lead actress ?
57. HAMLET : FOR THE LOVE OF OPHELIA #1 - Your average porn movie consumer will have no idea what this is a reference to.
58. ACID SEX - It burns ! It burns !
59. ADULT MOVIE (A.K.A. PORN MOVIE) - Whew, thank goodness. I didn't know what this was. I'm glad that's all cleared up.
60. RI DICK U LOUS - CHOCOLATE CAN HARDLY HANDLE IT ! - When you named this movie, you were contemplating suicide, weren't you ? You should.
61. FAT THE BALD AND THE UGLY - Well, at least they're accessible ...
62. SANDWICH OF LOVE - Nobody ever got laid using this phrase. It's just not possible there's a woman this stupid out there.
63. PERVERTED ADVENTURES OF SUPER DAVE #1 - It's a different Dave, not Super Dave Osbourne. But that's who you're thinking about right now, aren't you ? And is it turning you on ? Huh ?
64. AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A FLEA - Yay ! My girlfriend is infested with tiny mites ! I am so happy !
65. FRYSTIX - Who approved this ? Some porn producer who needed a tax shelter, that's who.
66. ALL ANAL ON THE WESTERN FRONT - Not a good pun, not even a bad pun.
67. HITLER SUCKS - Next time you have sex, when you're close to cumming, think of the Holocaust. Oh yeah, that's it.
68. MASK - Not the movie with Cher and that weird-looking kid. But it might as well be.
69. SKID ROW - Which mental image is worse, the worst section of town with all the drug dealers and hookers, or the band ?
70. ANAL FIREBALL - Oh, ouch.

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4) WHAT THE HELL ... ? - No clue, no idea, no sale :

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71. AIRTIGHT GRANNY - What is an airtight granny ? Why is she airtight ? Is that a good thing or a bad thing ? I don't want to know !
72. SECRETARIA EJECUTIVA #1 - BROAD OF DIRECTORS - Ejecu-what ?
73. SHRIMPIN' LOBSTER SAUCE - What does going to Sizzler have to do with porn ?
74. A HORSE'S TAIL - It's not a bestiality video. If it was, it would be a good title. But it's not.
75. E-THREE THE EXTRA TESTICLE - There is SO much wrong with this one ...
76. SIRLOIN TITS - What were you thinking ? I'll bet there's an A-1 Sauce joke in there somewhere.
77. BIG AS THIS BOX #1 - What exactly is "big as this box" ? And is it the same rough shape ... ?
78. TITALLICA - MASTER OF PUPPIES - Puppies ? Puppies ?!!
79. MEAT LOAF - TV DINNER BOX BIG, HUGE, MEATY COCKS - And I am out of the porn store like a bat out of hell ...
80. ONION PLANET - I have no idea what this means. Something to do with onions, perhaps. And a planet.
81. WHITE MEN CAN'T IRON ON BUTT ROW - Can't ... iron ? What about folding shirts ? Can white men do that ?
82. SUPER DRIPPING WET SERIES #3 - CARNAL CASSEROLE - Yum, reminds me of mom's !
83. KID VEGAS WATCH ME CAMP BITCH ! - This one's actually about going camping. If I were a woman, yes, you would have to threaten me to get me to watch you camp.

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5) THE PORN STORE CLERK LAUGHED AT ME - titles that are so stupidly funny, you can't stop laughing and enjoy the movie :
84. CLIMAX SHOTS #70 - MY BROWN EYE, NOT THE WINKER, THE STINKER - Rhyming is fun. Hey, what rhymes with "loser" ?
85. BUMPIN DONUTS - Uh, which body part is the donut again ?
86. H.R. MUFF N' STUFF - Confusing childhood, was it ?
87. AMBER THE LESBIAN QUEEFER - "Queefer" is just a funny word.
88. MAY THE FORESKIN BE WITH YOU - Geek ! *cough cough*
89. RED HOT CHO CHOS - I don't know what it means, but I heard some other kid on the playground use it ...
90. WILLIE WANKER AND THE FUDGE PACKING FACTORY - Your fantasy life is sad.
91. PRETTY LIL' SISTAS #1 - BEAUTIFUL BLACK POPOZUDAS ! - Nobody talks like this. Nobody. I hope.
92. BEEPING MISS BUFFY - Coyote's after you ...
93. BACKDOOR LAMBADA - A taste for bad porn and horrifically out of date. Why hasn't some woman snapped you up yet ?
94. WALL TO WALL #24 - HELLO TITTY - "Good evening, sir. Ah, I see you have the erotic tastes of a young Japanese girl !"
95. ACAPULCO #1 - MALIBOOBIES - Hooters ! Headlights ! Ta-ta's ! Grow the fuck up !
96. BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE ULTRA MILKMAIDS - Oh, let me guess -- this is an art film ?
97. AFRO-CENTRIX #36 - PUMPIN' THE PO-PO - Don't even try to tell me that's ebonics ...
98. WHAT'S THE LESBIAN DOING IN MY PIRATE MOVIE ? - She's trying to earn enough to feed her crack habit.
99. LUSTY LIFE #89 - SLIDE YOUR LONG LOAF IN MY HOT OVEN - What ... what is wrong with you ?
100. ADVENTURES OF THE FART BITCHES - Ha ha ha ha Fart Bitches.

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Extension ...
Since the publication of this list, many people have written Robin and myself to express outrage and/or disbelief that their favourite Worst Porn Movie Title was not included. This is too bad. However, if you like, please feel free to e-mail your suggested additions. If they are deemed terrible, they will be added below.
New Additions :
101) Jerk Your Cum Crayon And Color Me White - You kids play nice, now ...
102) Beverly Hills 9021-Ho ! - I can rhyme, too ! 9021-NO ! See ?
103) I Saw Mommy Eating Santa Claus - which caused the severe childhood trauma which led to a lifetime of doing nothing but watch pornos ...
104) 21 Hump Street - let me guess, starring Johnny Deep ?
105) Butt Nuggets - I can't find any info on this one, but reader Tricia swears it exists. To find out what a "butt nugget" is, go here : http://www.rame.net/library/misc/glossad.html
106) Sperms Of Endearment - Chick flick.
107) Yank My Doodle, It's A Dandy - I have three problems with this one : "Yank", "Doodle" and "Dandy". Otherwise, this title is fine.
108) Hairy Honies #11 - Furburgers - My cousin-in-law was telling the family about how when he was in university, someone discovered that for only $5 you could get a steak with all the trimmings at the local strip club. So if you went to the club, you could see a row of young guys cutting and chewing away, completely ignoring the stripper gyrating on the raised walkway in front of them. To which I had to reply, "Boy, I'd hate to find a hair in my food at that place."
109) Indiana Joan and the Black Hole of Mammoo - Six thousand years of human civilization and that's the best you could come up with ?
110) Big, Brown, Bomb Boo-Yow Booty, Brazilian Bitches - My soul hurts.



More about the Article :
To research this article, I used the online database of over 70,000 movies at http://excaliburfilms.com. They're all real titles -- look them up if you want to. (I'm not linking to each one of these !) I have not seen all of these films. Actually, I have not seen any of these films. And I don't want to -- hence, this list. It is certainly not definitive, I simply could not review every single porn movie title ever. You have to draw a limit somewhere. The list is numbered, but it is not ranked because I can't be bothered. You may also disagree with my choices because the title actually turns you on. I don't care. You're sick.
Source: The World Wide Web! - Back to Homepage

10 Reasons Why You Should Date a Fat Girl

I'm tired of seeing really ugly thin women with nice looking guys. What about cute fat girls? Wouldn't you rather be with a pretty girl? You can work on the fat, but you can't work with ugly...

1. If you take the fat away from the fat girl, she'll be fucking smoking;you take the skinny from the skinny chick...she'll still look like an ugly ass horse.

2. You might not be able to pick her up, but she can PICK you up.

3. No more blankets.

4. Larger mouth capacity.

5. She'll let you eat beef--she'll probably eat most of it.

6. This is cliche, but "more cushion for the pushin".

7. She's probably an emotional wreck, so if you show her the least bit attention, she'll be at your beck and call.

8. Bear hugs.

9. Let me repeat, larger mouth capacity.

10. Economy size. More is Better. Bigger is better.




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Painful Divorce Letters

Divorce letters (THIS IS GOOD)

Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for
seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These
last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was
the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I
had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal,
and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later
that night.

You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes,
and went straight to sleep after watching all of your
soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you
don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're
cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the
case,,,,I'm gone.

Signed,

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are
moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great
life!


Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving
your letter. It's true that you and I have been
married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so
much because they drown out your constant whining and
griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.

Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last
week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my
mind was "You look just like a girl",,, but my mother
raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say
anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk
boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I
prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning
and your silk boxers were $49.99...

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we
could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit
the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job
and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got
home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I
guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've
always wanted.

My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you
won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed:
Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S . I don't know if I ever told you this but my
sister 'Carla',,,was born Carl. I hope that's not a
problem for you.

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10 Tested Ways to Get Rid of Your Irritating Boyfriend

For an irritating boyfriend-free life follow these time-tested formula and you’ll be surprised to see how easy and relatively straighforward dumping an irritating ‘attachment’ can actually be!

1:) Wear an incredibly small thong and keep pulling it out of your crack and tell him that you are just recovering from a yeast infection.

2:) Do not wax for ages and wear a sleeveless top on your date.

3:) Talk about your exes, give him all the intricate details.

4:) Tell him about your intimate relationship with your pet and how he reminds you of him.

5:) Keep talking about his best friend’s butt, which is so round and delicious.

6:) Do not wash your hair for atleast three weeks and keep scratching your head.

7:) Chew with your mouth wide open and make sure that most of your food falls on your date’s hands.

8:) Burping and farting regularly are also sure-fire ways to increase the distance.

9:) Pretend to be a perfectionist, guys hate extra-perfect girls.

10:) If all else fails, the best way of course, “it’s not you, it’s just me!”


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Would You Like To Be Bill Clinton’s Friend?

The following is a list of dead people connected with Bill & Hillary Clinton’s:

James McDougal - Clinton’s convicted Whitewater partner died of an apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement, shortly after medical check. He was a key witness in Ken Starr’s investigation.

Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.

Vince Foster - Former white House counselor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock’s Rose law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide, bullet never found, car was clean.

Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown’s skull resembling a 45 caliber gunshot wound. At the time of his death Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly of his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors.

C. Victor Raiser II & Montgomery Raiser - Major players in the Clinton fund raising organization died in a private plane crash in July 1992.

Paul Tulley - Democratic National Committee Political Director found dead in a hotel room in Little Rock, September 1992. Described by Clinton as a “Dear friend and trusted advisor”.

Ed Willey - Clinton fund raiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods in Virginia of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Ed Willey died on the same day his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund raising events.

Jerry Parks - Head of Clinton’s gubernatorial security team in Little Rock. Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock. Park’s son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He allegedly threatened to reveal this information. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.

James Bunch - Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a “Black Book” of people containing names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.

James Wilson - Was found dead in May 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide. He was reported to have ties to Whitewater.

Kathy Ferguson - Ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson died in May 1994 was found dead in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she was going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones.

Bill Shelton - Arkansas state Trooper and fiancée of Kathy Ferguson. Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancée, he was found dead in June, 1994 of a gunshot wound also ruled a suicide at the gravesite of his fiancée.

Gandy Baugh - Attorney for Clinton friend Dan Lassater died by jumping out a window of a tall building January, 1994. His client was a convicted drug distributor.

Florence Martin - Accountant sub-contractor for the CIA related to the Barry Seal Mena Airport drug smuggling case. Died of three gunshot wounds.

Suzanne Coleman - Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide. Was pregnant at the time of her death.

Paula Grober - Clinton’s speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her death December 9,1992. She died in a one car accident.

Danny Casolaro - Investigative reporter. Investigating Mena Airport and Arkansas Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists, apparent suicide in the middle of his investigation.

Paul Wilcher - Attorney investigating corruption at Mena Airport with Casolaro and the 1980 “October Surprise” was found dead on a toilet June 22, 1993 in his Washington DC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet Reno 3 weeks before his death.

Jon Parnell Walker - Whitewater investigator for Resolution Trust Corp. Jumped to his death from his Arlington, Virginia apartment balcony August 15, 1993 Was investigating Morgan Guarantee scandal.

Barbara Wise - Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron Brown and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29, 1996. Her bruised nude body was found locked in her office at the Department of Commerce.

Charles Meissner - Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave John Huang special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane crash.

Dr. Stanley Heard - Chairman of the National Chiropractic Health Care Advisory Committee died with his attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane crash. Dr. Heard, in addition to serving on Clinton’s advisory council personally treated Clinton’s mother, stepfather and brother.

Barry Seal - Drug running pilot out of Mena Arkansas, Death was no accident.

Johnny Lawhorn Jr. - Mechanic, found a check made out to Clinton in the trunk of a car left in his repair shop. Died when his car hit a utility pole.

Stanley Huggins - Suicide. Investigated Madison Guarantee. His report was never released.

Hershell Friday - Attorney and Clinton fund raiser died March 1, 1994 when his plane exploded.

Kevin Ives & Don Henry - Known as “The boys on the track” case. Reports say the boys may have stumbled upon the Mena Arkansas airport drug operation. Controversial case where initial report of death was due to falling asleep on railroad track. Later reports claim the 2 boys had been slain before being placed on the tracks. Many linked to the case died before their testimony could come before a Grand Jury.

THE FOLLOWING SIX PERSONS HAD INFORMATION ON THE IVES / HENRY CASE:

Keith Coney - Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a truck July, 1988

Keith McMaskle - Stabbed 113 times in Nov, 1988

Gregory Collins - Died from a gunshot wound January 1989.

Jeff Rhodes - He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump in April 1989.

James Milan - Found decapitated. Coroner ruled death due to natural causes.

Jordan Kettleson - Was found shot to death in the front seat of his pickup truck in June 1990.

Richard Winters - Was a suspect in the Ives / Henry deaths. Was killed in a set-up robbery July 1989.

THE FOLLOWING CLINTON BODYGUARDS ARE DEAD:
Major William S. Barkley Jr.
Captain Scott J. Reynolds
Sgt. Brian Hanley
Sgt. Tim Sabel
Major General William Robertson
Col. William Densberger
Col. Robert Kelly
Spec. Gary Rhodes
Steve Willis
Robert Williams
Conway LeBleu
Todd McKeehan

Is all of this a coincidence? Would you still like to become friends of Bill?

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How To Tell When Your Food Is Spoiled

Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator -- you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to yourself, "Can I eat this or will it kill me?"

Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.



THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't think you needed guidance with this one)

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of.
Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Source: The World Wide Web! - Back to Homepage

20 things you didn't know

1. Singapore is the most expensive place on earth to own a car.
2. Singapore is one of two cities in the world with a tropical rainforest.
3. A day on Mars is about half an hour longer than a day on Earth.
4. Russia's president Putin has worked in the KGB's foreign intelligence service.
5. A rollercoaster has no engine.
6. About 10% of all human beings ever born are alive at this very moment.
7. One in every foru Americans Has appeared on Television.
8. About 80% of women wear the wrong size bra.
9. Sri Lanka has the highest number of snakebite deaths in the world.
10. Ethiopia will be celebrating millennium in September 2007.
11. The first print ad for Johnnie Walker appeared in 1883.
12. A puma has about 75% killing efficiency.
13. Uganda has the source of River Nile.

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14. About 80% of your poo is water.
15. Sri Lanka has the world's highest number of public holidays.
16. 70% of all Land Rovers ever made are estimated to still be on the road.
17. The Pima tribe in Arizona has the highest rate of diabetes in the world.
18. It takes around 10 litres of milk to make 1kg of cheese.
19. More people get killed by dogs than by sharks.
20. You swallow about a quart of snot everyday.

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How To Look Like You Are Living A PlayBoy Life

Live Large & In Charge

Sure, if salaries were countries, yours would be Liechtenstein, but who cares? That’s no excuse not to live way beyond your means. Follow these simple rules and we guarantee you’ll look like you’re living the playboy life—even though you’re just living a big, fat lie.


DRIVE A HOT CAR
To ooze money, power, respect and a raw sexual energy seldom seen outside of female coleslaw-wrestling competitions, you’ve got to have a hot ride. But that’s sorta tricky when you can’t afford the down payment on a Yugo. Or is it? Fear not—the tired, the poor, even the huddled masses can appear to rise above their meager existence by taking out badass cars for test drives. Unfortunately, if a salesman suspects that you have neither the ways nor the means to make a purchase, he can refuse you access, or worse, insist on coming with. Here are a few tips to ensure a solo NASCAR moment.


ANNOUNCE YOUR ARRIVAL
Or better yet, fake a British accent and pretend that your personal assistant is calling ahead to ensure that you are given the VIP treatment at the dealership. Always have said assistant specify which model car you are looking for (the most expensive imaginable) and tell them that you are “very sensitive to people making direct eye contact.” Watch with glee as salesmen scurry around to help you, desperately trying to avert your gaze.


DRESS LIKE AN INTERNET ZILLIONAIRE
Show up to the Lamborghini shop in a pair of flat-front khakis, an untucked Ralph Lauren shirt and Nike cross-trainers. Don’t make the mistake of wearing a Brooks Brothers suit (no one trusts Wall Street anymore), and avoid denim cutoffs with an industrial key chain. If you have a tattoo—say, of the rock group Anal Cunt—hide it.


SCAM THE SALESMAN
Let ’em know that you’re serious by engaging him in a potential buyer’s discussion. Good conversation topics include warranty information, interior space volume, color combinations and maintenance schedules. Some possible questions: “Will my golf clubs fit in the trunk?” and “How will the paint hold up to the salt air in Kennebunkport?” Do not ask him for a “marijuana stash compartment” in case the police pull you over.


IF ALL ELSE FAILS…
You can always just rent your own personal phatmobile and say that it’s yours. The best rates are usually found through nationwide companies such as Budget, Avis and Hertz Rental Car. Budget offers a three-day rental of an exquisite Jaguar XK8 convertible for $120 per day or $599 per week; you get 700 miles free on the week rental.


SKIP THE VELVET ROPE
Novice club crashers will generally lie and say they’re friends with the owner, or they’ll call and say they’re bringing five beautiful women (when they’re actually coming with 10 quantum physicists and a ferret named Sylvan, King of the Elves). So 1985. One prominent New York City events promoter relayed several more effective tricks.


SEND A PREPAID CHECK to the establishment, covering the price of admission. Attach a note requesting that the bouncer act like you’re getting in for free. (You could even tell him that you’ll be identifying yourself by screaming, “Waaazzuuuuup!” when you step out of your limo.)


IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE CRUDE ENOUGHto bribe the bouncer, please don’t be cheap. Your best bet is to use eye—catching currency—a few $20 bills are much better than spare change or, God forbid, a money order.


BACK—OR SIDE-DOOR bouncers are more likely to take bribes. Don’t, however, try to pay your way into the VIP room— the bouncers there have more to lose by letting chumps past the rope, and even if they can be bought, you don’t have that kind of money anyway.


DESIGN FAKE BUSINESS CARDS from cool magazines, talent agencies and publicity firms (you can get a set of 500 for about $60 at Kinko’s). It doesn’t really matter what you call your firm—just be sure to follow it with the words and Associates, Inc. or LLP.


GO OUT AND GET A JOBwith a cool magazine, talent agency or publicity firm (it’s really not that friggin’ hard).


EAT LIKE A LORD
So, Mr. Marquis of Salisbury—your shameless bravado has landed you a table for two at Chez Stadium, New York’s most prestigious French eatery. Don’t let your trailer-park roots give you away. Study this list—and watch how impressed Lady Gravy Train will be.


OYSTERS
Order them during the fall and winter months because they spawn over the summer and become soft and fatty. (Be sure to share this fact with your lady friend or bank manager.) Size matters: The smaller the oyster is, the younger and more tender it will be.


LOBSTER
Don’t rip it to shreds like that man-handed date of Seinfeld’s. First, twist the lobster’s claws from its body. Use a nutcracker to open each claw, removing the meat with a lobster fork. Next, break the tail away from the body, take off the little flaps and push through to get the meat out in one piece. Finally, twist off the legs with your hands and suck out the meat like you would soda through a crazy straw.


HORSE
Eat it whenever you see it on the menu. It tastes just like dog.


WINE
One fact to casually drop when looking at the wine list: California’s whites and zinfandels that are just hitting the market (’97 and ’98 ) are appalling, due to overcropping and a poor growing season. Order only ’98 pinot noirs instead, whether you like them or not (it was a great year for wine and shouldn’t cost you more than 25 bucks).

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12 Things to Do with Coca Cola

Coca Cola (the real one) is not only great to drink, it also has many uses around the home.

This list of uses was tested on ordinary, original Coca Cola, not the diet kind, or any of the variations there are available.

1. Cleaned a burned saucepan by pouring Coke into it and boiling. This takes out all the staining.
2. It's easy to make a modern photograph look like an old sepia one. Just lightly brush the photograph with Coca Cola and dry quickly. Don't wet it too much or it will buckle. Photocopied black and white pictures make great looking "antique" prints, if you treat them in the same way. Maps photocopied and treated this way, look fantastic in antique style frames.
3. If you dye your hair and the result is too intense, flat Coca Cola will help to lighten it.
4. Give old coins a soak in Coke. This gives a brilliant shine for collections and decorative items.
5. Pour Coca Cola into your kettle and leave all day. This will remove limescale and leaves it clean inside.
6. A can of Coke poured into the toilet will clean it. The acid in the drink gets to work right away.
7. Make an excellent barbecue sauce by mixing Coke and Ketchup , half and half. Coat chicken, meat, etc with this before cooking. It's mouthwatering.
8. Flat Coke makes a good hair conditioner. Pour it over your hair, rinse and dry.
9. Put Coke into flat wide dishes in the garden and it will help to rid your plants of slugs. They are attracted by the sweet smell and once they fall in, they can't get out.
10. Rusty bolts can be loosened by soaking a rag in Coca Cola, and wrapping it around the bolt. Leave for a few hours and it will be easier to move.
11. Clean your jewelery in a glass of Coke. Brush with a toothbrush and rinse well. (Not recommended for valuable items, or those with gem stones in them.)
12. Flat Coca Cola helps to settle upset stomachs. Don't use fresh, fizzy Coke as this could irritate the condition. (Take the fizz out by adding a little sugar, if you need to.)

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5 Stages of drunkenness

Stage 1 - *SMART* : This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - *GOOD LOOKING* : This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - *RICH* This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - *BULLET PROOF* You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you areSMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - *INVISIBLE* This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the
words.

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All About Body Piercing

Friends, Body piercing usually refers to the piercing of a part of the human body for the purpose of wearing jewelry in the opening created.

Body piercing is a form of body modification.

The word "piercing" can refer to the act or practice of body piercing, or to a specific pierced opening in the body.

Some people practice piercing for religious or other cultural reasons, while many individuals, particularly in the modern West, choose to be pierced for spiritual, ornamental, or sexual reasons.


Caution :: pls get urself examined from qualified doctor and also check the actual healing periods with doctor... before attempting piercing.

Evidence suggests that body piercing (including ear piercing) has been practiced by peoples all over the world from ancient times.

Mummified bodies with piercings have been discovered, including the oldest mummified body discovered to date, that of Ötzi the Iceman, which was found in a Valentina Trujillon glacier.

This mummy had an ear piercing 7–11 mm (1 to 000 gauge in AWG) diameter.

In Genesis 24:22, Abraham's servant gave an earring and bracelets to Rebekah, wife of his son Isaac.

In Exodus 32, Aaron makes the golden calf from melted earrings.

Deuteronomy 15:12-17 dictates ear piercing as a mark of slavery.

Leviticus 19:28 says to not pierce your body.

Nose piercing has been common in India since the 16th century.

Many contemporary authors and body piercing enthusiasts have made attempts to explain the history or development of body piercing in Western Culture, prior to its contemporary practice.

In Dreamtime by Hans Peter Duerr, the author claims that nip*le piercing became popular in 14th century Europe.

There is evidence, both anecdotal and photographic, that nip*le piercing was practiced in Europe during the late 19th century and in the early 20th century, but it was not considered to be a common practice.

It is sometimes claimed that Roman centurions practiced nip*le piercing and that soldiers attached their capes to the piercings. This is not true.
Their capes were attached to the breastplate of their armor.
This particular myth owes its popularity to Doug Malloy, an American piercing pioneer who published pamphlets in the late 1970's promoting his highly fanciful histories of body piercing.

Attitudes towards piercing vary.

Some regard the practice of piercing or of being pierced as spiritual, sometimes embracing the term "modern primitive", while others deride this view as insulting, as cultural appropriation, or as trendy.

Some see the practice as a form of artistic or self-expression.

Others choose to be pierced as a form of sexual expression, or to increase sexual sensitivity.

Some people choose to be pierced for symbolic reasons. For example, some survivors of sexual abuse have said that they experience piercing as allowing them to retake control over their own bodies.

Some people choose to be pierced to symbolize certain relationships.

While some people consider body modification to be a sign of non-conformity, others deride body piercing as trendy, but this isn't always the case.

This leads to prejudice or cognitive bias against those with piercings or visible signs of past piercings.

Ear piercing has existed continuously since ancient times, including throughout the 20th century in the Western world.

However, in the mainstream Western culture of North America, Europe, Australasia, etc., it became a relative rarity from the 1920s until the 1960s.

At that time, it regained popularity among westernized women, and was eventually adopted by men in the hippie community, and later the punk subculture before it broke into the mainstream.

Ear piercing, of either or both ears, has always been practiced by men in many non-Western cultures. By the 1980s, male ear piercing had become somewhat common in westernized cultures, although men usually only pierced one of their ears.

Today, single and multiple piercing of either or both ears is extremely common among Western women and somewhat common among men.

Modern history and social attitudes

Less conventional forms of body piercing have also existed continuously for as long as ear piercing, but generally not in Western cultures.
For example, women in India routinely practice nostril piercing, and have done so for centuries.

In the 1970s, body piercing gained popularity in the gay BDSM subculture for various reasons. In 1975, Jim Ward opened The Gauntlet, America's first storefront body piercing operation, in Los Angeles.

Permanent body piercings (as opposed to play piercings) are performed by creating an opening in the body using a sharp object through the area to be pierced.

This can either be done by cutting an opening using a needle (usually a hollow medical needle) or scalpel or by removing tissue, either with a scalpel or a dermal punch.

Contemporary body piercing studios generally take numerous precautions to protect the health of the person being pierced and the piercer.

Tools and jewelry are sterilized in autoclaves and non-autoclavable surfaces are cleaned with sterilizing agents on a regular basis and between clients.

Sterile, single use gloves are worn by the piercer to protect both the piercer and the client.

Commonly, a piercer will use multiple pairs of gloves per client, often one pair for each step of setup to avoid cross contamination. After a piercer has cleaned the area to be pierced on a client, the piercer may change gloves to avoid recontaminating the area with the gloves he/she used to clean it.

Most piercing studios in the United States use 316L (Less often 316LVM) stainless steel for initial jewelry in a fresh piercing.

In Europe the initial jewelry is typically titanium.

The choice of material is usually economically influenced, with Europe being close to titanium mines they chose titanium while the US favored the 316L series of stainless steels.

There are many myths and misconceptions surrounding appropriate material for an initial piercing, such as “solid 14 karat or higher white or yellow gold containing no nickel is safe as initial jewelry (in a fresh piercing) ”, but that ignores the fact that the common alternatives for nickel (copper, silver) in the alloy pose equal or greater risk to nickel. For example the APP (Association of Professional Piercers) does not allow the use of plastic jewelry in fresh piercings but the tattoo industry favors brands of tattoo ink that use ABS plastic as the colorant.

IBAA (the International Body Arts Association) recognizes the tattoo industry has a good safety record with ABS plastic based inks, and many technical advances are possible in the body arts.

Indwelling Cannula Method

Many European (and other) piercers use a needle containing a cannula (hollow plastic tube placed at the end of the needle, also see catheter).

Procedure is identical to the standard method, only that the initial jewelry is inserted into the back of the cannula and the cannula and the jewelry are then pulled through the piercing.

This method reduces the chance of the jewelry slipping during the insertion procedure, and also protects the fresh piercing from possible irritation from external threading (if used) during initial insertion.

Dermal Punching

In this method, a dermal punch is used to remove a circular area of tissue, into which jewelry is placed. T

his method is usually used to remove both skin and cartilage in upper ear piercings, where cartilage must be removed to relieve pressure on the piercing to ensure proper healing and long-term viability of the piercing.

Like scalpelled piercings, the healed fistulas created or enlarged using a dermal punch will usually not shrink over time.

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Standard Needle Method

The standard method in the United States involves making an opening using a hollow medical needle.

The needle is inserted into the body part being pierced.

While the needle is still in the body, the initial jewelry to be worn in the piercing is pushed through the opening, following the back of the needle.

Piercing using hollow medical needles does not actually remove any flesh—the method cuts a "C" shaped slit and holds it open in the shape of the cross section of the needle: in this case, a circle.

In this method, the needle is the same gauge (or sometimes larger as with cartilage piercings) than the initial jewelry to be worn.

Piercings that penetrate cartilage are often pierced one or two gauges larger than the jewelry, to reduce pressure on the healing piercing, allowing for a fistula (internal "skin tube" that connects the two ends of the piercing) to properly form.

Piercing Guns

Piercing guns are commonly used in retail settings to perform ear piercings.

These gun-shaped devices are designed for piercing the earlobe only; they are not marketed or designed for use on any part of the body other than the earlobe.

Piercing the upper ear (through cartilage) with a piercing gun often results in longer healing times, cartilage bumps (hypodermic scarring) and probable increased discomfort.

Many professional body piercers discourage the use of these instruments.

A major complaint is that ear-piercing instruments perform the piercing by using a great deal of force with a relatively blunt stud earring.

The autoclaving of piercing guns is usually impossible, because certain materials used in their construction would be destroyed if autoclaved.

Even though they are occasionally used for other purposes, ear piercing instruments are designed and advertised for earlobe piercing only.

The healing process and body piercing aftercare

A new piercing will be sore, tender or red for several days up to three weeks.

Complete healing normally takes several weeks or more.

During this period, care must be taken to avoid infection.
Touching - or, for genital and oral piercings, sexual activity - is usually discouraged.

The jewelry should not be removed during this period.

The healing time should not be rushed.

Very often a piercing that seemed to be healed will start to have problems when it is handled roughly, exposed to mouth contact or unwashed hands before it has truly healed.

Full healing starts after primary healing is complete and usually takes about as long as primary healing, during this period the skin thickens and starts to gain elasticity.

An additional "toughening up" period takes place after full healing is complete, this "toughening up" period also takes about as long as the primary healing time.

During "toughening up" the skin remodels itself developing an internal texture in the fistula tube that replaces the shiny scar-like internal surface.

Primary healing period

Head


* Monroe piercing: 3 – 6 months
* Bridge: 3 – 6 months
* Cheek/Anti-Eyebrow: 3 – 6 months
* Ear cartilage: 4 – 8 months
* Ear lobes: 3 – 4 months
* Eyebrow: 3 – 6 months
* Tragus: 6 – 12 months
* Lip/Labret: 3 – 4 months
* Nostril: 3 – 6 months
* Septum: 3 – 4 months
* Tongue: 2 – 3 months
* Frenulum: 3 – 4 months

Torso

* Female Niples: 4 – 8 months

* Male Niples: 4 – 6 months

* Navel piercing: 4 – 8 months

* Hand web: never

* Surface: 6 – 8 months


Female Genital Piercings

* Clitoral Hood: 2 – 3 months

* Clitoris: not recommended

* Christina piercing: 3 – 4 months

* Fourchette: 2 – 3 months

* Labia Minora: 2 – 3 months

* Labia Majora: 2 – 6 months

* Triangle: 2 – 3 months

Male Genital Piercings

* Ampallang: 4 – 8 months

* Apadravya: 4 – 8 months

* Dydoe: 3 – 4 months

* Frenum piercing: 3 – 4 months

* Guiche: 4 – 6 months

* Prince Albert: 4 – 6 months

* Reverse Prince Albert: 4 – 6 months

* Scrotum: 3 – 4 months

* Foreskin: 2 – 3 months

* Pubic: 4 – 6 months

* Lorum: 3 – 4 months

The info about healing prd above is merely as per literature and varies person to person, so, pls check up with your doctor b4 attempting piercing }

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Smart Women Do Exist

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.


The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for yourself, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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said only male readers

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

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How a Son/Daughter view their Father at different ages

At 4 Years : My daddy is great.


At 6 Years : My daddy knows everybody.


At 10 Years: My daddy is good but is short tempered and knows little less
than my friend's Daddy.


At 12 Years : My daddy was very nice to me when I was young


At 14 Years : My daddy is getting fastidious.


At 16 Years : My daddy is not in line with the current times.Frankly he
does not know anything.


At 18 Years : My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.


At 20 Years : Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate daddy. Wonder how
Mummy puts up with him.


At 25 Years : Daddy is objecting to everything. Don't know when he will
understand the world.


At 30 Years : It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was so scared of
my father when I was young.


At 40 Years : Daddy brought me up with so much discipline. I wonder how he
managed to handle the younger generation.


At 45 Years : I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.


At 50 Years : My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up. I am unable to manage a single son.


At 55 Years : My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for
us. Even at this old age, he is able to control things. He is one of his
kind and unique.


At 60 Years : My daddy was great.!!


Thus, it took 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the 1st stage!


So....... Realize it on time.



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10 Tested Ways To Get Rid Of Your Irritating Girlfriend

For an irritating girlfriend-free life follow these time-tested formula and you’ll be surprised to see how easy and relatively straightforward dumping an irritating ‘attachment’ can actually be!

1) Make her wait for ages… when the dates are planned by her and, even worse when they are planned by you.

2) Do not ever use a deodorant when you’re around her. Make it a point to munch on onions before you meet her.

3) Attend as many calls as you can when she’s spending time with you… it helps if the one calling is you’re ex-girlfriend and it’s even better if it’s your ’supposedly’ intimate boyfriend.

4) Be as GAY as you can!

5) Make sure you invite her best friend every time you go out with her, and hit on her friend (doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or a girl) as shamelessly as you can. The drool-pot is a sure winner!

6) Dress as horrendously as you possible can. Colour combinations are a strict NO-NO, unless you’re planning on doing a fluorescent orange and bright pink combo. Classic!

7) Gorge yourself on food, hers, yours, her friend’s and make sure food spills out of your mouth every minute or so, during your lunch or dinner dates.

8) BURP! As often and as loudly as you can. Gaseous emanations of other kinds are also sure ways to your ultimate triumph!

9) Make sure she realises you’re not busy, but pretend to be as busy as you can possibly be when she’s around… she’ll get the hint… or even better, pair it up with being a schedule freak.

10) Pretend you have a serious crotch infection, or a fetish or an obsession for everything down under!

BEST OF LUCK!!!

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5 Guys every Girl should Date

Mr nice romantic guy

He'll show up with flowers, leave cards around your apartment and quote Keats on a whim.
What he'll teach you - This affectionate man will display softer side of men, raising your expectations. After realising this, you'll be less likely to stay with someone who degrades or ignores you in the future.
The catch - Most of the time these guys are in love with the idea of being in love. This means they'll come on strong, but lose momentum in the long haul.

Mr big shot

He dresses sharp, talks slick and has the coiffed looks of a man straight out of a glam magazine.
What he'll teach you - Dinners will be four-star and the conversation will be witty. You'll walk away from this relationship more sophisticated and well aware of your inner vixen.
The catch - He's going in for the kill. He knows exactly what he's doing and the effect it has on you. The odds of this guy slipping out of his suit and into a comfy relationship are low. Enjoy the smooth ride around town while it lasts.

Mr man's man

He carries your bags, will defend your honour and would rather swallow glass than shave his chest.
What he'll teach you - There's something about raw masculinity that brings out the damsel in us.
The catch - You're dying to be wined and dined but he's already made plans to meet you at the pub. He's also prone to affairs with his favorite sports teams.

Mr sexy older guy

He's been involved with enough women to know that you require much more than dinner and a few martinis to get into the mood.
What he'll teach you - He's got a lifetime of experience to share (in and out of the bedroom). He'll also show you how to see life in a different way. No matter how long it lasts or how it ends, you'll walk away worldly wiser, and will never settle for a measly five minutes of foreplay again.
The catch - If you're just starting to get comfortable in your skin, and he's shed his, several times, there's a good chance you'll have issues with long-term compatibility.

Mr Fun Social Guy

Whether he's out with friends or meeting the family for brunch, one thing is for certain - He's going to be the life of the party.
What he'll teach you - You'll laugh a lot and learn how to go with the flow and let things slide.
The catch - They love the excitement of something new. This poses an issue for long-term love. Don't be afraid to walk away to more stable ground.

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Top 30 Movie Bloopers

1 Star Wars When the stormtroopers break into the control room, the stormtrooper on the right of the screen hits his head on the door frame. On the DVD release they've added a thump when he hits it.

2 Commando After chasing down Sully, the yellow Porsche is totally wrecked on the left side, until Arnie drives it away, and it's fine.

3 The Rocky Horror Picture Show The criminologist describes the events of the movie as taking place "on a late November evening". In the very next scene, Brad and Janet are driving in Brad's car, and President Richard Nixon's resignation speech is playing on the radio. Nixon resigned in August of 1974.

4 Charlie's Angels When the Angels are fighting the "Creepy Thin Man," right before Drew Barrymore lifts up Lucy Liu to spin her around and kick the thin man, to get Lucy's attention, Drew hollers out "Lucy!" even though Lucy Liu's character's name is "Alex."

5 Gladiator In the "Battle of Carthage" in the Colosseum, one of the chariots is turned over. Once the dust settles you can see a gas cylinder in the back of the chariot.

6 The Matrix In the scene where Agent Smith is interrogating Neo, after Smith has sealed Neo's mouth shut and he is backed into the corner, when the camera cuts back to Smith you can clearly see a reflection in his glasses of Neo still sitting down in the chair.

7 Spider-Man In the scene where Mary Jane is being mugged by four men, Spider-Man throws two of the men into two windows behind Mary Jane. Then the camera goes back to Spider-Man beating up the other two guys. When the camera goes back to Mary Jane the two windows are intact.

8 Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl Just as Jack says, "On deck, you scabrous dogs," to the very left edge of the screen over Jack's shoulder is a grip crew member with a tan cowboy hat, white short sleeve tee shirt and sunglasses, just standing there looking out to sea.

9 Titanic The lake that Jack told Rose he went ice fishing on when she was threatening to jump is Lake Wissota, a man-made lake in Wisconsin near Chippewa Falls (where Jack grew up). The lake was only filled with water in 1918 when a power company built a dam on the Chippewa River, six years after the Titanic sank.

10 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets At the beginning of the scene near the end of the movie with Lucius Malfoy fuming at Dumbledore in his office, Malfoy's hair is fanned back behind his shoulders. The lighting in the room illuminates the back of his neck, where you can see his real, short brown hair.

11 Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines In the scene where John & Catherine are in the hangar at the runway, the Cessna's tail number is N3035C. When the plane is shown in the air, the number is N9373F. When they land, the tail number has changed back to N3035C.

12 Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone When Harry, Ron and Hermione rush to Hagrid after the end of the year exams, and Harry is saying something that ends with, "Why didn't I see it before?", Hermione is mouthing part of that line.

13 The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Merry and Pippin were bound when taken by the Uruk-hai, and the bonds weren't cut until after they managed to escape during the fight. Yet, when the horse almost crashed down on Pippin, he had his arms spread out up near his face, not bound, even though they weren't cut until later. In the next shot, his hands are bound again.

14 Black Hawk Down Near the end of the movie when the convoy is heading back to the Pakistan Stadium, a Humvee stops briefly to allow a man to walk across the street with a child in his arms. When the shot changes and the Humvee begins driving again, a crew member or cameraman is seen inside the Humvee wearing a white shirt. All of the men who entered the Humvee were wearing fatigues.

15 American Pie In the bedroom scene the girl is holding a clear cup full of beer. The camera goes off her and when it comes back she is holding a blue cup. The camera goes back off her then on her and the cup is clear again.

16 The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring In the scene where Sam and Frodo are in the field with the scarecrow, you can plainly see a car cruising past in the distance, from right to left. Further comment - there are two different shots which show the car moving from right to left. One starts at the top right distance, and in a shot a few seconds later the car has traveled down the road a bit and is more easily visible. Complicating matters is that the dust thrown up by the car looks similar to smoke from a chimney in the right distance, making some people think it is just the chimney. But chimneys don't move, and the smoke from the chimney is separate from the moving vehicle. -- [It is deleted on the DVD, but you can still see an obvious bit of image fakery on the hill just left of the smoking chimney. One can see the hill, tree, and surrounding area move up and down and shimmer slightly where someone has done a cut and paste to cover up the auto. The "car inclusive" scene appears on the National Geographic documentary, "Beyond the Movie The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring." Also, watch the music documentary on the Extended DVD - when it shows this scene the car is still in it. Bizarrely, in his commentary Peter Jackson said he never saw a car and doesn't know what people are talking about, but the production/post-production team say in their commentary that despite not thinking anyone would be able to see it, they took it out anyway.]

17 Mr. and Mrs. Smith The movie is supposed to take place in and around New York City, however during the car chase where Angelina and Brad are fighting off the three BMW's, a wide shot clearly shows a street sign announcing Los Angeles.

18 Top Gun At the end, a victorious Maverick is hoisted on the shoulders of the guys. As he goes up, he isn't wearing sunglasses. His head goes out of the shot, and when he comes down, he's wearing a pair.

19 The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King In the second half of the film, Frodo has a scar on his lower right cheek, close to his chin. Many times throughout the rest of the film the scar changes position and size on his right cheek. It also appears on his left cheek in flipped shots (most obviously on the slopes of Mount Doom when Sam is cradling his head).

20 X-Men 2 In the end, when the President is visited by the X-Men, he receives a blue binder, which is laid in front of him on the table. When they have left, you see a shot including the President's desk, and you can see that the only thing he has on the table are some sheets of paper, stapled in the upper left corner, opened up. Then the shot changes to a close-up of the President, and then back again, and you see the blue binder in front of him, closed, and the papers have disappeared.

21 Ocean's Eleven Linus and Rusty are standing in the Botanical Garden at the Bellagio going over Linus' observations. Rusty has a cocktail glass of shrimp in hand. When they change angles he has a plate in his hand, then change back, it's a glass.

22 Raiders of the Lost Ark While Indy and Marion are in the Well of the Souls, and they encounter the snakes, Indy falls to the ground only to get confronted by a Cobra rearing its head and hissing. Look carefully and you'll see the reflection of the snake on the safety glass between it and Indy. Briefly you can also see the torch's reflection while he's waving it around. [This has been corrected in the new DVD set. You can only see it if you have the original VHS. I think it's visible in the "making of" on the DVD as well.]

23 Terminator 2: Judgment Day The T-1000 punches his body through the window of a helicopter to get inside. An instant later, the hole in the windshield is gone.

24 Die Another Day In the final fight scene on the plane between Jinx (Halle Berry) and Agent Frost (Rosamund Pike) Jinx is slashed across her stomach, drawing blood. In a later scene when Jinx and 007 are pouring diamonds over one another in the hut on the cliff her stomach is unblemished.

25 Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones When Amidala & Anakin are eating and he cuts her a piece of the fruit and "floats" it back to her, the bite appears in the fruit a split second before she actually eats it.

26 The Matrix Reloaded During the scene where Neo is talking to Agent Smith in the park area where Neo was talking to the Oracle, there is a close-up on Agent Smith's face. In his sunglasses you can see a bright white screen to reflect the light onto the faces of the actors. This isn't visible in any non-reflected angles.

27 Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith On Utapau, when Obi-wan faces off with Grievous, Grievous sends 4 magma droids at Obi-wan. Obi-wan force-pulls something from the ceiling to crush the droids. But in the ensuing fight between Obi-wan and Grievous afterwards, the ceiling thing and crushed droids are gone.

28 The Wizard of Oz In the beginning while Dorothy is still on the farm, she walks along the pig pen fence and then falls in. When Bert Lahr picks her up out of there her dress is perfectly clean.

29 Teen Wolf In the scene of the championship game, one of the final shots shows Scott's Dad coming out of the crowd to congratulate him. There is a fan behind him who stands up to cheer and deliberately exposes himself to the camera.

30 Jurassic Park In the scenes where there's a video link to the docks shown on computer, there's a bar moving along the bottom of the screen, showing us that it's actually a video that's just playing on the computer.

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The ABC's Of Business Management

1 . You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich.
"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"



2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says: "He's very rich.
"Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and get her telephone number. The next day, you
call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you
walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and
then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you
"Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"

Advertise Here

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition"

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. -
"That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she
introduces you to her husband. -
"That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she
goes with him -
"That's competition eating into your market share"



9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your
wife arrives. -
"That's restriction for entering new markets"

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25 Interesting Things That You Learn About Computers only in The Movies

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.

22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. Example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon! Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. no, just some comics books (Marvel 1954, very rare). Let's check the closet shelves...!"
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